I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
