ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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