If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do vagina's smell?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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