just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You made out with two different species that night
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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