U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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