I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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