last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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