you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
