I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
