I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
