I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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