it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
