nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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