he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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