I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
