My nipple is on Facebook.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
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Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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