my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
