I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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