dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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