You're so nebulous sometimes
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
