I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Bring me that man meat
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
