Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
