Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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