I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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