My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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