So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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