I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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