I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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