The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
