Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
