I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
