Grow some girl-balls and come out already
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
