it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
