Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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