My first STD was from a foam party
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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