11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
