you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
