no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
