Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
