I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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