I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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