mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
