kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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