I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
