If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
