She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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