you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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