There was a lot of him and a little penis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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