okay pat passed out under dana's car
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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