Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
