I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
