I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
