a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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