You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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