my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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